Hello everyone! So this past week has been a busy week. I did my first consulting gig on Sunday. We created a mission statement for an organization related to our church. That was very exciting to be a part of. For me I could experience first hand the amount of focus and energy it takes to bring 6 people together to a place of unity and agreement.
In the end we were all on the same page and the energy was so different from when we started. Also it was a paid gig, so it was my first step towards turning my passion into my business! I owe a lot of this being possible to this journey of getting clean. My head is much more clear these days, and I have a level of trust towards myself that allows me to believe that my dreams are possible.
How Intimate Are You With Your Spouse?
For this post I wanted to dedicated it to those who are blessed in marriage. If you’re not married, turn off your computer now and bookmark this page for your future self… Do it now… Just kidding. You can read this as preparation.
How does your current level of intimacy and love with your spouse affects your porn habit?
To me, like many areas of life affected by porn, relationships work both ways. I can definitely say that when I was watching porn, my wife seemed to be less attractive to me. I also wasn’t as present in conversations with her. Then however, when there is less intimacy between us I feel more urges and more temptation to watch porn. It’s a self inducing cycle of addiction.
Look Honestly at Your Emotional Needs
Overcoming a porn habit takes both cutting off the habit and the opportunities to act out, but also addressing the underlying emotional causes. The truth is, there were many times when I was not satisfied with my sex life with my wife. I think sometimes a few small things that porn satisfies may be honest desires, that aren’t wrong. Of course most what we see in porn I believe has no place in the bedroom. The violence, the domination and submission of women, the demeaning language, and the list can go on and on. I think it is important though, to discover what we do want in our sex life and have honest communication about it.
One example is I had a complaint that my wife was really quiet during sex. I never knew what felt good. I could hear the traffic outside but I wanted to hear her. Mostly I’d only know when things really were not working. So I had this hidden complaint that I was holding on to for a long time.
Are you giving what you’re expecting?
I went to a workshop and there was a talk about being responsible. What I realized was that I was always looking at her and saying she’s not being vocal about what she likes, she’s so quiet, etc. Maybe some of you can relate. However, I never even considered if I was being quiet or not. Maybe it’s not a surprise that I was.
So rather than blame her, I decided to change myself. I started talking during sex! I started to tell her what’s feeling good and asking her what was good. I also started telling her that she was sexy, and that I loved her during sex. It was pretty awesome to see that she followed suit. Things have gotten a lot more spicy since then too.
‘Be the change’ – in the bedroom too!
So it basically comes down to being the change that you want to see. This is not just for issues in the world but if we want something in our marriage or in our sex life, we have to see if we are embodying that first. If we want to see a world of sexual integrity, we have to be people of sexual integrity. It always starts with ‘me’.
When you choose to be responsible there is always another another strategy to try, or another person to reach out to, to make a difference. If you read this and you are not blessed or married yet, this is an important principle to remember when you’re in the process of getting blessed. If you want something from someone else, you have to make sure you’re giving it first. If you want someone to appreciate you, look at whether you are appreciating them.
That’s all for this week. Only 2 more weeks to go!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Share your comments or questions below.