So, since my last year streak, I think this is the longest I’ve gone being sober without being in a 21 or 40-day workshop! It feels really good I must say, but this past week has not been easy; it’s been humbling.
Push the Help Button
For the first time in a very long time I used the “I’m triggered” button on rTribe. Which I would recommend using by the way. I think a big part of my recovery is completely dropping the myth that I can get through this alone.
This battle with pornography has been a very humbling experience. When I say that I don’t mean it’s showed me how incompetent I am, or how weak I am. What I mean by humbling is that I’m being chastened to what I believe is God’s design.
I don’t think God designed us to go through life alone. We were designed to create relationships, to love each other, to go through hardship together, and to support one another through those hardships. However, for some reason my brain kept telling me that I could handle it alone.
Where is the problem?
To be humbled is a great thing. But I think we need to watch out for when being humble is collapsed with self-judgement and self-shaming, which doesn’t help us or lead us to the truth.
So, what triggered me in the first place? Well, it was a few things. It’s interesting how the world or Satan, or whatever, seems to throw everything at you at the same time. First, I didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before. Also, I started to feel resigned about my job. It just felt like what I am doing isn’t making a difference. And then after a stressful day of work, I’m walking home and I walk right past something that must have been a brothel.
That was like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I just wanted to say, what’s wrong with this country? Why do these places exist? And blame the problem on what was going on out there. But, whatever is going on out there, there is always a choice right here. Thank God, I made the choice to push the right button.
Lessons for this week
The biggest lesson is to stay humble to the truth of God, and the truth of who we are. Also, to enjoy the process. I must have gotten six or seven people on rTibe who asked me if I was okay. Someone asked me when I said I was triggered, “are you inspired by your own sobriety?” That is a question worth considering this week. Thank you to all my fellow brothers and sisters who I can walk together with on this journey.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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