Today is Day 38 being sober from pornography. On a difficulty scale of one to ten, the past week has been probably around a two. I’ve had moments here and there wanting to watch porn, but it wasn’t all that hard to just say no. It definitely helps knowing that I’d have to share my slip-up on this blog. So since I started in the middle of this quest, I want to catch you up on what it was like for the first few weeks.
How I Got to Day 38
I have to admit that coming back from the High Noon Summit, I did relapse. Even knowing the kind of impact that this addiction was having on the world, how it was affecting my brain, and how it affects our movement, wasn’t enough to empower me to stop my habit. What finally got me to start this streak of sobriety, was when I contacted an accountability partner, Sammy.
Being able to talk about my addiction in a very honest way was so empowering. I shared very openly, how it all started, how many times I relapsed, who I tell and who I don’t. It was scary, but in the end it was so freeing! And he was so awesome, he gets where I’m coming from. He is both understanding and at the same time, a real stand for my sobriety. We really need people like Sammy, who know how to handle this kind of conversation.
Honesty is Liberating
After talking with Sammy, it was like something was lifted from me. I felt so much lighter and clearer. I really got that it’s not just about watching porn. It’s about hiding, it’s about being run by shame. Really, the secret cure to the porn problem is honesty. I think the more open we are, the more power we can reclaim.
After talking to my mentor, I joined a small group with Andrew Love. Sharing with them has been powerful. Even sharing with people who I wasn’t sure would take it well, helped to free me. I realized that if I can let go of the fear of people’s reactions and just choose honesty, it also empowered me to choose to say no when faced with temptation.
Images VS Intimacy
However, the first couple of weeks was still difficult because of memories. Images of pornographic photos and videos kept creeping into my mind. Also it would creep in when being intimate with my wife. That is probably the worst part of porn for a married person. Not truly getting to be with your spouse in those intimate moments. I really hated it. Actually, what helped me in those moments (for all you married guys out there) was just keeping my eyes open! I’d give it a shot if you relate with what I’m sharing now.
After a couple of weeks of active mental training, the memories stopped coming, or if they came I could quickly get away from them. By the third week I really could feel the difference. I could feel that this path could become a life of sobriety.
Recovering the Missing Pieces of My Life
When stuck in the addiction, we don’t realize what we’re missing. For a lot of us it’s been going on so long. But I just started to feel so much more clear about my life. I was clear about what I wanted, and what I needed to do to get there. Now that I’m clear about what I want in my life, and I’m taking action, it makes this sobriety thing even easier!
Lastly, one of the other great benefits of getting sober is kind of interesting. I feel like I can finally acknowledge the beauty of women again. I feel free now to tell a sister, as her brother, that she is beautiful just the way God made her. I can say that because I trust myself again. Trusting myself is an awesome feeling.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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