There I was, a 13-year old kid waking up on my living room couch. It’s dark, around midnight. I can’t sleep so I turn on the TV and start flipping through channels – and there it is. A porn commercial on Spike TV.

My heart is racing. I feel guilty but at the same time excited, intrigued, aroused. A voice in my head says “this is wrong, turn it off!” But I don’t listen. A minute passes, the commercial ends and I go to sleep. This was my first introduction to porn.

From Curiosity to Porn Addiction

Before that, I had known porn existed from my friends. But since that moment my curiosity only grew until it became a habit, and then a serious addiction. Fourteen years, well over a hundred hours of pornographic video and countless images later, I’m 26-years old, been blessed in marriage for four years, and living in a foreign country. I’ve had periods of sustained sobriety, about eight months before marriage, and about eight months after. For almost two years I was sober. However, I relapsed, and then that relapse became a habit again.

It’s not like I don’t love God, or that I don’t believe in the Divine Principle or True Parents. I’m an extremely faithful person. In fact, I’ve worked in ministry for years. That made having this habit or addiction even more difficult. After every slip up I felt like a complete fraud. I’d say to myself “who are you to guide others, when you can’t even overcome this challenge.” Which would usually lead me to watch more porn to numb the pain.

Despair Dissolved Through Love and Hope

One time I remember standing in the bathroom with my belt in my hand, making a loop and thinking about what it would be like to end my life. Luckily it was just a moment. The thought of how much I loved my wife, and how sad she would become, threw that idea away. I never considered it again.

I attended the High Noon Summit almost two months ago now. It was an amazing experience. What I left with was a sense of community, friendship, and a whole lot of hope. Hope was something that I did not associate with this area of my life. It was an eye opener to hear the effects of pornography on the brain, our society and our movement. I got home and I started to get serious again using the App R-Tribe again. I also joined a sexual integrity small group and started sharing about this problem.

Come out of the shadows with me

So I decided I wanted to make a blog for two purposes. One is my renewed commitment to living a life of no shadows. No shadows doesn’t mean doing everything right, it means being honest about our strengths and our flaws. I believe that through these blog posts I can find strength for my own recovery. I’m also hoping that whoever reads these can support me in my journey, and send encouragements, prayers and tips!

The other purpose is, I want to inspire others to live with no shadows. I hope to share any insights that I get in this journey. My commitment is to write an entry every week until I have a 90 day streak of sobriety. Right now I’m actually on day 30. I considered letting myself slip up for the sake of starting the blog at a clean day 1, but then decided against that. Actually, 30 days is huge for me. It’s been awhile since I went this long. I have to say, getting accountability has already made a huge difference!

Are you curious?

In these entries, I’ll be sharing lessons learned from past experiences, and how things are going presently – reflections on the week. Maybe you are wondering who I am. Some of you may have figured it out, and if you did, you can contact me. But don’t share your theories, hahaha. I’ve decided to keep myself anonymous for the sake of my wife. She’s not as open as I am and I want to respect that. After 90 days of sobriety I’ll reveal myself. But for now, you can just call me Joe… 🙂

To Be Continued…

Share your comments or questions below.

2 thoughts on “90 Days Porn Clean: Join My Journey

    1. Hey Hyunggil! Thanks for the question. My routines honestly were a bit all over the place as far morning routines and when I went to sleep to be honest. But there were a few things that were consistent during the first 30 days. First of all I started to become very consistent checking in on the App R-Tribe. I’d never miss more than a day. Second I’d say prayer and reading some kind of HDH or inspirational text and sometimes it was specifically about porn from fightthenewdrug.org or right here. Lastly it was joining the small group and making that a priority in my schedule. My life is crazy, I work 3 jobs and do side gigs as well. So my schedule is constantly changing and having a routine life doesn’t work so well. However just having a few things that we consider absolute priorities to be consistent with is so important. In many ways it acts like an anchor to our commitment in life. So I’d recommend starting one at a time if you are looking to build new habits. Just add one or two things a week and commit to be 100% consistent with it. Once you’ve got it then move on. Great question! Hope this helps.

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