Recognize that your viewpoint about your porn habit may be skewed. Your rationalizations to yourself may not include the whole picture. It has become a normal way of life to you and probably your friends. You aren’t fully aware of how harmful the habit is, and how it’s has changed you.
Face The Harm Done
Twenty years ago, looking at such hard-core porn as is now available was considered disgusting and depraved. Currently for many people, it is commonplace and unsurprising. Your spouse or romantic partner is not yet desensitized and is having a reasonable reaction.
Add to this, that many spouses and fiancées maintained purity before marriage, in both attitude and action. They are naturally shaken to discover that you may have claimed technical virginity, but maintained a promiscuous solo sex life. They may feel cheated, and that the gift of purity they gave you was treated as insignificant.
The porn user adds insult to injury by belittling their partner: “What’s wrong with you? This is no big deal.”
Without realizing the problem the porn user often deeply hurts and blames their partner because of their own porn-distorted views: “Your body doesn’t turn me on. Why don’t you get some work done?”
Are Your Expectations Realistic?
Porn users sometimes ridicule their virginal partners for being naïve. They often criticize their partner if they don’t want to perform a sex acts the porn user has filled their minds with for years.
Worse, porn users expect their partners to be sex machines like the fake scenes in porn. They feel entitled to sex on demand and selfishly use their partner, without caring for their hearts and needs. Partners often report feeling raped.
The result is that many wives, fiancées and some husbands are violently repulsed. They may want to get far away from their partner.
The least you can do is acknowledge that you cannot yet understand their feelings, and seek to do so. Patiently let your partner vent, and silence any defensiveness on your own part. Get the support necessary from others to be able to listen to your partner’s pain.
- E-booklet for wives, to understand their experience, at Covenant Eyes
- How porn destroys the quality of sex and intimacy in marriage, at Covenant Eyes
- Getting past rationalizations to see how porn affects wives and the marriage, at Covenant Eyes
- An exchange between upset wives and some men, to understand partners’ fears and feelings, at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com